The last 7 days has been truly truly truly outrageous.
It started with attending a 2day event aboard the Queen Mary ship to discuss and workshop augmented reality in public space, education, robotics, city planning, storytelling, live theatre, video games, and more. I got to be creative with other liked minded intellegient peole whom I respect. Those 2 days I was soaring in the sky. My imagination running free and wild. Thats just it, everyone who attened VOX knew the future is here. We are living in the dawn of a new age. What an opportune time. I was so happy to meet the people I have met and I was also able to expand myself around this new AR world.
Saturday as you all may have read from last week’s blogline was the hardest I’ve ever been hit. I was rammed from behind and then I rammed the truck infront of me. My car, my lil mini mansion is totaled. She served me and protected me like a champ. I am very grateful that she took in all the impact and I was left with a soar and stiff body. But not broken. Oh no not broken. That accident has awaken the bravery in my spirit. It is one thing to give your life truly by donating your kidney yet it is another to have your life taken from you unexpectedly. The thought of not being here I still cannot comprehend. Life is soooo precious and yes so short. I started questioning. questioning what, you ask. Moving forward with my life.
Yet I jump ahead. In the same week, a day apart, I had to first go to UCLA medical for my 6 month kidney checkup. And then the next day I went to see my primary care physician due to being in the accident. Whilst at UCLA medical I felt the bravery juices flowing. Today was the day I was going to face my fear. I fear love. I know that sentence does not make sense yet it rings truth.
How was I to face my fear of love? Well by professing my love. To whom? To the Russian. It went a lil something like this:
I knocked on his door last night. And out of everyone he thought could be at his door, I was not one of them. He was shocked and on his phone, “tod, I’ll have to call you back.” I was soooo nervous
and scared. I was praying to the essence of my being that he be home alone which thankfully he was. He commented on not being married and having no kids. I gave him a gift-this beautiful skull- to break the tension. Also practical he could use it for his Halloween decorations. I included a note which I don’t think he read. I hope he found it this morning, “XXxx, here’s to courage deciding our fates. ~Carina”
He is so focused on unwrapping the gift which is bubble wrapped and I know it’s cuz he needed a moment to process me just showing up unannounced. Yes, femmes and gents, I just showed up. He need not know it took me an hour to work up the nerve to ring the buzzer. He looks at me and I know I look scared and he asks if I need a drink. I say yes. He then asks what’s up. I say I was in a car accident and I need to speak with him.
He said why now, why after all this time?
We both have our drinks and we move outside.
I had to work up the courage; it took alot of cohunes to knock on your door. He said yea, I don’t mind that you did that yet you should have text or called first, I could have had someone over. You could have hurt someone’s feelings. I said yes that was the risk. I didn’t call nor wouldn’t text because I knew you would not have responded. He then tells me that he is in a long distance relationship, she’s in Serbia. I say, your ex fiancée? Yes, we are trying to work it out. Christmas, why are you here? I should have let you know what was going on. I said yes you should have. I proceed to tell him I don’t want to live my life without him. He says there are alot of great guys out there. I say, no there is not. He says, yes, you just haven’t been meeting them. Oh, I’ve met them and none of them are you. You are a kind soul XXxx. You are sexy and smart and from our conversations you’ve made me question things. What things? Marriage, kids, moving forward in life, we have a connection and chemistry. He said yes we do have a connection and chemistry but that’s not enough. I’m looking for a partnership and that’s what I am working on with my ex. I cannot
give you a relationship. This past summer I was having fun and I’m not interested in only fun. I can see you formed an attachment. To that I say, yes, it doesn’t help when someone says “you never know Christmas we could be married.” Then he says, I said that? Yes, you did. He says, that was misleading and manipulative of me.
What happened next?
He said I am a beautiful sweet girl. He doesn’t understand why I’m single. I then said, yes, I’m liked yet I do not like everyone. I then ask for his hand which he gives to me. I say why so stiff. He says, its’ been a stressful week. Would you like to give me a massage?
I just look at him.
Then I say a hand massage? He says any massage you would like to give me. So I gave him a back rub and after a few minutes I say I can’t do this. I’m going to end up kissing your back. Then he leans back. I don’t know how it happened yet we start kissing. *upside down kissing*
I kissed him with so much love and so much hunger. I felt his verocity. Then he takes me and slides me down unto his lap. We continue to make out. Then he stops himself. He says, I don’t want to feel guilty in the morning, he says, I can’t do this. I have morals. To that I say I know. I know. I caress his face. He looks at me, please get up. So I get up and I sit back down across from him.
He says, if I wanted to set you up with someone will you let me?
I pause. Sure. He says, sure, that doesn’t sound- I stop him and say because I want you to set me up with you.
His mobile rings and he goes inside to take the call. Afterwards he comes back out. He says I would like to be friends. I say, friends text and call each other XXxx. He says, I’m vested in this partnership. My heart is given to someone else. I’m busy most days and I hang out with the close friends I already have
My head rings with contradiction from this statement. Reluctantly I say, so who do you want to set me up with? He says, XXxx XXxx. I say, who’s XXxx XXxx? He says, he plays for the la clippers.
I don’t know.
The hour grows late and we both have to get up early. XXxx walks me outside and we hug.
How do you feel?
I feel like, now what? I am hurt because he won’t let me in. In his heart. I know I can’t compete with the years and memories he has with his ex. Yet why not focus on the here and now. I know I am a better partner for him. I feel it in my gut and he must know it too. Why did he kiss me?
I was courageous and open with him. So maybe he’ll think about his feelings
I am ready to move forward. Although a tiny part of me will always wish that man will come to his senses… soon.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
OMG girl. I am so proud of you. That was so so courageous!
Oh wow! That is one of the gutsiest things I have read. You are a bad-ass pleasure mama. I am super impressed by you, your courageousness and your ability to speak up and say what you want!
Thank you ladies.